Wheelbarrows and other Objects
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Series of ficlets revolving around RE4, where Leon ends up seeing and doing the strangest things.
1. Shuttlecocks

I've been away for a while, I'm aware of that. And because I couldn't think of any original plots, ideas or whatever, I'm trying to wake the fangirl back up by using a random word generator. I'll use the random words as prompts and we'll just see what happens next. Drabbles and ficlets, nothing long.

_RE4 only. Lots of Leon, other characters may vary._

**Don't own RE4, Capcom does.**

Shuttlecock according to FreeDictionary;  
A small rounded piece of cork or rubber with a conical crown of feathers or plastic, used in badminton. Also called _bird_, _birdie_. (The only sport I am good at... -_-)

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After fighting Del Lago, finding out about being injected with something creepy and listening to Spanish people all day long, Leon could only think of one thing; He wanted something to make him happy.

The only way one could make Leon happy in the middle of a mission was by making sure he got a new gun. Though, Leon would admit, making him laugh would do too. But that was just an impossibility while being chased by Ganados, monsters and a strange Spaniard that only seemed to care about getting a free cigarette.

So Leon went for the gun, hopefully with this thing called a 'discount', though he doubted the Merchant understood that word. He didn't seem to have a very large vocabulary, and he was awfully fixated on getting every penny Leon was carrying on him.

Still, he wanted a new gun, and he went for it. A bit annoyed by the rain, but happy with the thought of getting a new weapon, Leon got in the speedboat and made his way to the Merchant's lair, which he thought he had seen in a cave by the lake. Upon entering he realized he had been right. Blue flames burned at the sides of the entrance, and that meant only one person could be inside that cave, the Merchant. That is, if he did not have any customers at the moment, anyway.

Leon stood in front of the Merchant and a small smile appeared on his lips. All of those weapons could be his, if he could just find an amount of money large enough to pay for them. A new handgun, a new shotgun, heck, he could even get a rocket launcher if his wallet allowed it. But… what was that thing on the top shelf?

Leon pointed at a cylinder shaped box. "What's that?"

The Merchant turned around to see what Leon was pointing at. "Ahhh strangah… Those are shuttlecocks."

Leon's mouth opened as if he was going to say something, but he quickly closed it again when he didn't know what to say. 'A shuttlecock? Is that some kind of sex toy?' he thought to himself. All of the sudden, the Merchant didn't seem that nice anymore.

"Ya never seen a shuttlecock, strangah? I use 'm quite often, it's the only sport I am good at."

The only sport he was good at? What on earth was that mysterious man up to? "What?" Leon chirped.

"Would ya like to see 'm?"

"N-no, thank you… I think it's best to keep certain things to yourself." Leon nodded to himself, that seemed like the right thing to say. "Though I suppose Luis might be interested, he seems into that kind of thing."

Merchant frowned. "Yes, I know, I've used them more than once when Luis came by. Too bad this cave is cramped, the shuttlecocks always get stuck on the roof when we're playing."

"Eh, I eh… I think I need to go." Leon turned around and made his way out of the shabby cabin. "I remembered a Spinel I forgot to pick up, and I'll come back when I have it, so I can get a better weapon, okay?"

Merchant nodded as Leon got into the boat again. "Good idea strangah, now don't forget to shoot them blue medallions! They'll earn you a nice gun!"

As Leon disappeared out of sight, Merchant grabbed the cylinder shaped box and opened it. He grabbed a shuttlecock and sighed. "Now what on earth scares the strangah so much about badminton?"

Once Leon got back on shore, he left the boat and shook his head. "That was nuts… I knew this mission wouldn't be a walk in the park, but seriously, sex toys?" He went up the path that was ahead of him and opened the gate. Only seconds later, he forgot all about shuttlecocks as a Ganado appeared. The head of the Ganado split open and out came an ugly thing, later to be referred to as a parasite.

With great precision Leon disposed of the first Ganado and the other one that was walking behind it and smirked. "That's what you get for messing with Leon, you damn Shuttlecocks!" And he walked away, the smirk still on his face.

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I'm sorry... I had to. Well, at least I didn't erase it after ten minutes, thinking 'bleh, must watch movie'.

I kind of hope you liked the first chapter, and the idea. If you do, feel free to drop a review. I don't do requests though, I've got ten prompts already.

Have a nice week!  
- FUNK

I


	2. Scars

My next word prompt was scars (thank Wesker for that… Easy word.)

Warnings for this chapter; Crack. Krauser. Leon and Krauser already meeting at the castle, so not canon. (Like I ever write canon… *shakes head*)

**Thanks a lot for reviewing!** I'd type your names but won't let me. :( Maybe next time.

(Sorry strangahs, I don't do requests, I already have 10 prompts.)

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**Scars.**

Salazar's castle… It was big, it was confusing and most of all, it looked a little bit over the top. To Leon anyway, who was actually getting used to seeing shabby cabins everywhere. He couldn't believe how Salazar could actually live there. It seemed to Leon that if he himself would get tired running around the castle, then how would Salazar, on his really short legs, feel about it?

Leon figured Salazar probably had a bicycle to move around the castle. Or had his 'right hand' carry him around. Either way, he probably didn't do all the walking himself, as that would be such a pain in legs.

Those were the thoughts going through Leon's mind as he was making his way through the castle. He had just lost Ashley again and despite the fact that it was really annoying to look for her again, at least he could roam around now without having to worry about her. Sure, she was captured, but at least she was safe. There was no way in hell a midget could kill her, Leon figured.

The moment Leon grabbed some money from the fountain nearby a locked door, he heard something behind him. With a frown on his face he grabbed his knife and turned to face his new stalker.

"Leon…"

Leon's frown was replaced with a look of pure disbelief. Right in front of him, only a few feet away, stood a large and muscular man. A man Leon knew from when he still killed zombies instead of Ganado.

"Been a long time, comrade."

"Dick Hauser?"

The man frowned. "No, Krauser. Jack Krauser… Damn Leon, time hasn't been treating you well, has it?"

Leon shrugged. "Why are you here?"

"The sample. I need the sample so I can give it to Wesker. He needs the sample to impress some kind of lady… Don't ask me who though, I usually stop listening five seconds after that man starts talking."

"Who hired you?"

Krauser frowned. "I suppose you do the same thing."

Leon didn't reply as he started to stare at Jack with a very confused look on his face. There was something different about the muscle man, but Leon just couldn't put his finger on it. Krauser didn't look bigger, he didn't seem to have his changed his hair, and his… Oh, of course, the scars.

Leon pointed at Krauser's face. "What happened?"

"Ninjas," Krauser replied casually

"Ninjas? You mean they actually exist?" A smirk appeared on Leon's face as he thought of his next career switch. "I wonder if there is a school for ninjas… I bet I'd graduate with honors."

"I doubt it…" Krauser glanced at his watch and realized it was later than he expected. "Listen Leon, I don't know why you're here, or what you're doing, but I bet Ashley has something to do with it."

"Who?"

"Ashl… Did you hit your head or something?"

"Shuttlecocks."

"Wait, what?" Krauser shook his head, took his knife from his belt and pointed it at Leon. "I'm going to give you some of your own ninja scars now… If you're able to regain your sanity for a few minutes."

"Those scars, eh? You must not get laid often anymore."

"They have actually increased my sex life with sixty percent!"

"Oh." Leon glanced at his knife, took these words into consideration and sighed. "Ahh, eh… Why are you here again?"

"To get the sample, because Wesker asked me to."

"Wesker… You mean Alan Wesker?"

"I'm going to cut you now." Krauser sounded a bit hesitant because there was obviously something very wrong with Leon, and it didn't seem right to hurt someone that obviously had some kind of brain damage. "I really am."

Leon nodded. "Bring it on!"

A small fight followed. Krauser made several attempts to cut and stab Leon, and Leon just kept dodging as if he was a ninja already. After a few minutes Leon remembered he was supposed to be looking for Ashley and decided to put an end to their fight. With a growl he grabbed Jack's shirt and dragged him towards the fountain. He then grabbed the muscle man's head and pushed it underwater.

Jack fought back and started flailing his arms. When that didn't work, he took a good hold of his knife and stabbed it right into Leon's right leg.

It worked. Leon let go of Krauser's head and took a few steps back. With a scowl he took a look at his leg, which was now bleeding quite a bit. He turned to face Krauser and was about to make another attempt to kill the other man, when he realized something was very off. Krauser face… There was something red dripping from his cheeks.

"Hey, did I cut your face?" Leon asked with a tone of triumph in his voice.

"I don't feel anything…" Krauser touched his face and took a look at his hands. "Ohhh shit."

"Your scar! You just wiped part of your scar off!" Leon's eyes grew wide as dishes as Krauser's scars appeared to be melting off. "Oh, my, God… They are fake?"

Krauser's cheeks now burned a brighter shade of red than his, apparently, fake scars had been, and he took a small mirror from his pocket. After taking a quick glance, he realized that his scars indeed had come off. He slowly shook his head. "No, no… The water in that fountain! I think it healed my scars! That has to be the case, because why on earth would I make fake scars on my face? Don't be ridiculous… Ahahaha."

Leon didn't reply. He was too surprised and confused.

"Listen comrade, you go look for Ashley and if you make it there, I'll meet you on the island." Krauser waved and was glad Leon actually took off to God-knows-where. When Leon disappeared around the corner, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh that was close… Waterproof make-up, my ass."

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Krauserrrrrrrr. :) Yay. Sorry about that, all of my other ideas were a bit too serious, I'm afraid.

I hope you liked it! Reviews are always appreciated, yada yada. Now, have a nice day, strangah!

-FUNK


	3. Heels

Yes, I know, I keep disappearing. I had a break from the Resi fandom. Anyway, I was staring at my new word, and then it hit me.

**Warnings;** Slight crack? I'm not sure, I think I might be losing my touch. We'll see. Making a fool out of Leon. Teehee. :)

Word?  
**Heels.**

_I sincerely hope you'll enjoy this!_

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There were some things Leon always did whenever he was sent on a mission, and one of those things was investigate every single thing he came across. It didn't matter if there wasn't a lot of time left, Leon just couldn't help himself whenever he saw a closet, a shabby cabin or even a bin.

He just _had_ to investigate it. Because, well, there was always a possibility that he would find something of interest or something important. Or maybe even a treasure. Or helpful information regarding his mission.

That day, while he was at Salazar's castle, his investigations took up a lot of time. There were so many closets, so many tables, so many boxes… It was like no matter where he went, something would get his attention, and he couldn't just turn around and walk away. He was drawn to everything like a bear was drawn to honey. Like _Pooh Bear_ was drawn to honey. And there was no use in trying to repress his urges, because he wouldn't win that internal fight anyway.

And so, when Leon found a box hidden underneath Salazar's bed, he had to find out what was in it.

Carefully, he grabbed the box and held it against his ear. He couldn't hear anything in the box, so he figured it was safe to open it. After all, everything that remained silent was to be considered safe. Or so Leon thought, and let's not ruin his logic, right?

With an almost excited look on his face, Leon pulled the lid from the box. He frowned as he saw there was a plastic bag inside of it. If whatever was in the box had to be wrapped twice, then perhaps there could be a threat to it after all. Even Leon could understand that.

With a small amount of fear, as if he was trying to deal with a time bomb, Leon took the bag out of the box and opened it. He took a glance inside and saw something black. Deciding nothing would blow up in his face or eat him alive, he reached inside the bag and took the two objects out.

"Shoes, huh?" Leon was staring at a fairly large pair of black shoes. They appeared to be made out of leather, and they had very high heels. "Now why on earth would Salazar be hiding a pair of high heeled shoes underneath his own bed? Is he spending his free time walking around on these?" Leon scratched the back of his head and sighed. "Nah, I doubt that… They're too big for him. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd fit me."

Fit him? Would they really fit him? Leon couldn't help but wonder if they would. He also wondered what it would be like to walk around on shoes like that. It didn't seem very comfortable to wear them, but they couldn't be that bad, right? "Ada wears them everywhere, she can even fight on shoes like these… So why couldn't I?"

Leon put the shoes on Salazar's bed and glanced behind him. Ada had left an hour or so ago after their little encounter, and Ashley was stuck somewhere. Luis had not been around for a while, and the only people he did come across were those who were trying to kill him in the name of Saddler. That meant Leon did not have to worry about anyone seeing him wearing those shoes, and therefore it seemed safe enough to try them on. "If Ada can do it, so can I," Leon stated to himself, a bit louder than he intended.

He sat down on the bed, undid the laces of his own shoes and pulled them off. He threw them next to the bed and grabbed the pair of heels. He tried on the left shoe first, but it wouldn't fit properly. He was able to put it on, but it was a bit tight, and that was just highly uncomfortable. Leon frowned and decided his socks had to come off too, otherwise he wouldn't be able to walk around without any pain.

Leon did as he thought right away. He threw his socks next to his own shoes, and tried the heels on again. "Well I'll be damned, they fit quite nicely."

Carefully, he stood up and took a few steps. Slowly, because he suddenly had to balance his body in a way he wasn't quite used to. "Oh man, how do women do this? I've seen them run on high heels, are they born with a gene we men are not aware of?"

"_¡Te voy a matar!"_

Leon turned around with the speed of light when he heard the voice yelling at him. Behind him, there were four monks, probably out to take his life. "Damnit." Leon shook his head and grabbed his handgun. "You people have the worst timing, ya know that?"

He didn't get a reply. Well, that was okay, it's not like he was expecting one anyway. Instead, the monks closed in on him, their arms reaching out to grab a hold of his neck for when they would get close enough.

Leon shot two of them in the legs, making them kneel right in front of him. He took a large step towards the kneeling monks and…

He tripped. _He tripped over his own feet_.

"No!" Leon yelled loudly as he tried to stand back up. Sadly, he had dropped his handgun when he hit the ground, and one of the monks was standing on it. While Leon was still trying to balance himself again, two cold, white hands locked around his throat.

Fighting for air, Leon made an attempt to grab his knife, which was his favorite weapon to use in close combat situations.

However, the moment he was holding it in his hand and ready to use it, he heard three loud gun shots and all four monks dropped on the floor in front of him, dead.

Gasping for air and with his heart pounding in his throat, Leon turned around slowly to see who had killed his attackers.

Oh, of course... It was _him_.

"Ya know strangah…" The Merchant smirked, though it went unnoticed behind his trademark scarf. He was pointing at Leon's shoes. "_That_ is why they call those shoes _killer_ heels."

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Ooooooh... I'm sorry. xD This is my come-back. Not the best, but I tried hard. I haven't been very inspired lately.

I hope you liked it. If ya did, feel free to leave a review. If you didn't... I'm sorry.

_FUNK._


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